OK, I’m gonna speak to the laaaaaadies here!
I LOVE this question for 2 reasons:
- You’re ready. If you are in the place where you can ask this question, or this question resonates with you, then you can do it. You are READY to step into more pleasure, more power, and more presence in your life! And there’s nothing more gratifying to me than knowing that we as women are stepping forward into our BLISS and flowing with juicy powerful energy. (…I went there)
- Learning to embody our power, comfort, fun, and PLEASURE in bed has a ripple effect that increases our power and presence all throughout the other areas of our lives.
So lets get down to the nitty gritty here. Where are you starting from?
When you close your eyes and imagine a Goddess, what do you see? (Go ahead!) How does she stand? What energy do you feel in her presence?
There is a reason that a Goddess embodies powerful presence: she knows herself. She is completely at ease with who she is, what she desires, what she IS and IS NOT willing to do in relation to her desires. And she’s not afraid to tell you, either.
Receiving comes as naturally to her as breathing, she is not self-deprecating about this, but simply accepts and invites it with her presence. She is perfectly comfortable being adored, and isn’t afraid to express herself, or be truly seen. Does this sound like you?
So lets take a look at where we’re starting from.
What beliefs do you have about sex? Go ahead and take some time to write about that. I’m serious, make a list, and see. Here’s a few prompts to get you going:
- Sex is for…
- Receiving pleasure is…
- Giving pleasure is…
- When my partner/s wants sex from/with me, I feel…
- Sex is best initiated by/when:
- Sex is good when:
- Sex is bad when:
- I feel uncomfortable when:
- Keep going…
Often we have all of these beliefs and feelings kicking around and we may not even be aware what is running the show behind our actions.
Taking the time to illuminate how we feel gives us the opportunity to work within those areas 🙂 In order to cultivate Goddess Mindset around sex, first we need to get clear about what we’re working with here, m’kay? Wherever you’re at: no problem. You can start right from there, love.
How much shame do men have around masturbating?
How much shame do you have around masturbating? None? GREAT! Skip this whole section, girl. Go on with your bad self! (ooooh but catch the link though, fun stuff)
If you answered anywhere between “A bit” to “A shit-ton”… read on, sister.
I rarely use the “S-Word”, but: Here’s why you “should” masturbate.
- Find out what you like.
- This is a crucial Goddess step. Once you know, you can share that with your partners. Your likes and dislikes will always develop, that’s ok. Just have a starting point with your own sexy self.
- Can I just drop a value-bomb on you right here?! Check out this site, scroll down and click “See how it works”. So. Fucking. Good. (and no, I’m not affiliated with them but I wish I was, cause this shit is bomb.)
- Learn to sit comfortably in your pleasure.
- Explore different techniques (see link above), pamper yourself, and be as patient and slow as you need. The more comfortable you get on your own, the more open you will be to expanding pleasure with your partner.
- Build safety in your pleasure.
- If you are experiencing shame around pleasure, there is so much healing that can be had by gently exploring this with yourself. If it’s challenging for you, make yourself some tea, set the space to be relaxing and supportive, and enjoy!
- A vocal exercise: If you struggle at being vocal with your partner: Practice being vocal with yourself. You may feel silly at first, but this is a great tool I’ve used to help me overcome fear around expression once I’m with my partner. I mean actually say aloud what you want done to you, and then do it TO yourself. Moan too. Don’t fake it, just pretend you’re with someone. You’re safe, you can laugh all you need, then keep going. That’s right. Get it, girl. HA! Once you are able to do this without laughing while alone, and in full visualization mode, while masturbating, you will more naturally be able to share this with a partner.
How does this translate into relationship?
Increase comfort in receiving pleasure.
I can’t emphasize how important this is.
So often, as women, we want to be the ones giving. Giving is a beautiful thing. AND, in my experience, the best sex is had when the focus is around women’s pleasure, first. There are many reasons for this.
To name a few: (if you’re in a hetero relationship) A beautiful cycle develops when a woman is receiving pleasure. Men are highly visually stimulated by nature. The man will become more turned on by you in your pleasure, his self-image grows, and his experience heightens.
In addition, many women are capable of multiple orgasms, and without the same refractory period that men experience after orgasm. (If you haven’t experienced multiple orgasms yet, don’t rule it out… I didn’t experience this till age 30) More orgasms for you, more ego-boost and satisfaction for him, and then by the time he orgasms he’s so turned on that he can’t STAND IT?!
…That’s just more fun for everyone.
When it is time to GIVE, give in ways that please both of you! What do you really want to do to and with your beautiful lover? Explore how you enjoy to give pleasure, instead of what you think you “should” do. Let your experience of giving be as delicious as your receiving.
Don’t fucking fake it.
You’re robbing yourself, girl. How’s he supposed to tell the difference? Women train men NOT TO KNOW WHAT WE WANT when we fake it.
I get it, I’ve done it. No one wins.
You feel dissatisfied, or resigned, and physiologically/psychologically train yourself to numb out and shut down. He doesn’t learn. He thinks that was GREAT! Or, he senses something is off on a deeper level, but learns to ignore this and then numbs out to his intuition, sending him further away from being able to connect with and please you. Well, that’s just mean to both of you.
How do you think his approach got this way? Probably the last girls he was with faked it too, and this human being has been trained by lies to keep doing the same thing that doesn’t work (at the very least, doesn’t work with you) until one day someone decides to be vulnerable enough with him to share what WILL work for you. That’s kindness. That’s compassion. That’s HOT!
If he’s worth sleeping with, he WANTS to please you. Help a guy out. I know it’s uncomfortable to navigate the situation at times. But there’s great tools to approach this! Don’t worry!
Speak your needs and desires.
First off: Consent is Sexy. Make sure to share what truly turns you on, and what doesn’t. You can make it fun. Talking about sex is HOT, and consent is hot too.
Own it, girl. You are a Goddess!! This man is so damn lucky to be invited into your intimate space! And if he’s the right man to be sharing your space, he knows it!
If you feel super giggly or embarrassed when it comes to vocalizing your desires with your partner, read on.
Take some deep breaths. Ground your energy. Close your eyes. Or, if you’re feeling feisty, look him dead in the eye (That’s some Goddess sh*t) and invite him to do what you want him to do to you /with you.
If you’re not quite there yet, that’s OK! Theres a simple (and FUN!) way you can start to overcome this:
Tell him that you’re working on speaking more or talking dirty during sex, and you want to practice with him. (In his mind… SCORE!) Here’s a game you can play, YAAAAAY!
Game: He’s not allowed to do anything to you, until you ask him to do it.
“Kiss my neck”, “Caress my inner thigh”, “Gently”, and on and on. Make that a practice for one ENTIRE encounter. All. The. Way. Through. Orgasm. This is a super fun way to learn about pacing, and will heighten both intimacy and confidence. And lets face it, it’s fucking hot.
You may feel super uncomfortable at first, you may need to pause, or restart. That’s all ok! This can be fun! I’m willing to wager that a bit into this encounter with your lover, you’re both going to be swept into it, and voila! There’s no funner way that I know to gain self-confidence in requests and vocalization than this 😀
Stop being good in bed.
Girl, what? Did I just say that? YES I DID. And here’s why.
When women tell me, “I think I’m pretty good in bed”… lets take a look at that, what does that mean? More often than not, when I ask a few pointed follow up questions, this statement generally translates to: “I think my actions are pleasing to him, he seems to be liking it… and that’s worth overlooking my entire experience.” Can we agree? No more, please. Pleasing your partner is super important, but does “good in bed” just translate to being good for him regardless of our desires and real pleasure? No, girl, NO! Consider taking the steps to empower yourself through self-pleasure first, and then go forward from there.
Emphasize the pleasure you experience in both your receiving AND giving. And finally, ASK him what he likes. Talking about sex is sexy!
Dear one, there is so much more that is possible. What would you like that to look like, for YOU? Have you ever asked that of yourself? Let yourself go there. What is it you truly desire?
I have SO MUCH MORE I can say about this. If you are reading this and something is really speaking to you and you want to learn more, please reach out to me. If the desire is there, there’s a reason. Let’s connect! I’m super lit up about empowering YOU, my delightful sassy women, to own your pleasure and power in this world.